Dreaming of Joyce

Last night, January 28, 2015, I dreamt of my mother.  We were in, of all places, New York's midtown and upper west side looking for my car on a beautiful sunny day.  During our search for where I parked the car we came across a store that looked familiar to me from another dream I had years ago.  It looked like a bakery since there were cakes and pies in the window but other items that were not bakery related were also sold there.  We also watched some sort of parade that had Easter Bunnies in it.  We didn't actually watch the parade, it was more like we were trying to cross the street and got caught in the parade.  I held my mother's hand tight as we darted between the marchers to get to the other side of the street where this mysterious bakery was on a hill.  When we walked passed the bakery, I could see my car at the top of the hill and squeezed my mother's hand, looked into her eyes and smiled.  Then I woke up at 5:00 A.M. to go to the bathroom.

I awoke with a feeling of serenity.  I felt tingly and euphoric and wanted desperately to return to the dream to be with her.  Unfortunately, I could not return to sleep right away and the dream slipped away.  This dream may have been triggered by my thoughts of my mother earlier that evening when I could not open a jar and reached for the jar opening cloth that has a tight grip.  I remembered thinking to myself that I'm loosing my strength like Joyce did.  I had a bowl of soup for dinner and thought my appetite is becoming like Joyce's was where I'm beginning to eat very little and mostly pretzels, Joyce's thing was chips.  Dreams are your subconscious trying to tell you something.  What is my mind trying to work out.  Yes, there is that ache that I've had for the past five years since her death and the longing to have her with me here or there.  Just thinking about it right this moment sent tingles through me and brought a smile to my face picturing us holding hands walking the streets of New York.  Maybe we could stop in at the bakery and enjoy those treats we saw in the window...next dream, hopefully.  





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Daddy?

The definition of the gay slang "Daddy" according to Wikipedia is as follows:

A Daddy in gay culture is a slang term meaning an older man sexually involved in a relationship or having a sexual interest in a younger man.  The age gap may differ, but the relationship involves the traditional parental hierarchy of father-son dynamics, the daddy providing emotional support and guidance along with sexual encouragement and nurturing to the inexperienced and vulnerable partner.  Often these relationships are categorized as either "Daddy and boi" or "Dad and son," although this is not absolute, and some relationships prefer no labels.  Dad, or Daddy, are completely different from the similarly labeled sugar daddy, although this can sometimes lead to some confusion.

The definition does not provide a qualifying age as to when a person crosses the realm of Daddy.  It describes the relationship of older to younger.  Does that mean I'm a "Daddy" if I date someone who is 50?  Or, is it the dynamic of the relationship.  I would not consider a fifty year old to be a son or boi.  We would just be two mature men in a committed relationship.  The label of "Daddy" does not appeal to me but by definition if I'm the more experienced in the relationship I would be the Daddy if we choose to utilize labels.

So, are the younger (I mean really young 20 something) guys who have been reaching out to me lately looking for a Daddy?  When asked they indicate they like more experienced men and age is nothing but a number, however, my head just cannot wrap around someone who could literally be my son.  The "youngins", as I like to call them, are really aggressive and have an answer to every question of why it will not happen as to why it can.  Remaining gracious is sometimes difficult.  The situation brings me back to when I was a "youngin" and older men would pursue me.  I didn't want to be a son then and I do not want to be a daddy now.

These Three Words...

No, this is not a Stevie Wonder reference where the words are "I Love You".  There are times when something is said to you and no matter how hard you try to let it go, the comment stays with you and evokes anxiousness in your being when it enters your thoughts.  Recently, I've been labeled as off-putting, condescending, and dismissive. No, this isn't the first time that these behaviors were evoked by someone. Usually it is a work related incident that brings this out of me.  Well, that's the only time that these labels are applied.  So is it really me?  The fictional character, Forest Gump said; "Stupid is what stupid does".  I guess when I recognize "stupid" these characteristics just show up.  I've always been dismissive, even as a child.  Always the bearer of the word "NO".  My mother would say to me that it's not what you say but how you say it.  To me, a "no" is a "no" regardless of how much sugar is dumped on it or how many flowers surround it.  Every rejection is not up for discussion, so yes at work there have been times when I may have been dismissive, off-putting, and or condescending.

My source for the definitions below is the Miriam Webster's online dictionary.  I just had to see if I understood the definition of these words and if they were accurate to my predicament.  

• off–put·ting adjective \-ˌpu̇-tiŋ\ : not pleasing or likable : causing you to feel dislike of someone or something.
• con·de·scend·ing adjective \ˌkän-di-ˈsen-diŋ\ : showing that you believe you are more intelligent or better than other people.
• dismissive adjective of:  dis·miss verb \dis-ˈmis\ : to decide not to think about or consider (something or someone) : to send (someone) away : to cause or allow (someone) to leave : to officially make (someone) leave a job : to end the employment or service of (someone).

Well, unfortunately the definitions are somewhat accurate.  Off-putting was a new description of me that I earned in the past few years.  I did not know what it meant until I looked it up.  I discovered that not only do I cause people to dislike me or my actions but every day I feel the same way towards someone especially at work.  The story of my life, no reference to One Direction, has been full of off-putting comments and actions towards me.  Should I have filed complaints towards co-workers or called acquaintances on their actions/comments?  I've chosen to distance myself from those individuals which works well with acquaintances.  Co-workers are a different story.  If I work directly with them then I only deal with them when work requires it.  Indirect co-workers are basically ignored.  The encounter with them is usually a one time occurrence or very infrequent.  In life you will come upon people that cause you to dislike them or something they did.  It's inevitable since we are human.  For example, I dislike when a person honks their horn at another driver because they did not step on the gas peddle fast enough when the light turned green.  That is off-putting to me.  Should I call 911?  Why, the person may be having an off moment or day for that matter.  My discomfort will subside by the next intersection or two.  For the most part my boundaries have been enlarged to include those who may cause a feeling of dislike.  I at least give them the opportunity to reverse that feeling by getting to know who they really are.  They are no longer immediately dismissed from my circle and I have discovered in most cases it was the subject matter or situation that caused them to react in a manner that I viewed as off-putting.  By not surcumming to my inner childlike emotions when my feelings would get hurt, I gave the individual the benefit of the doubt by not taking it personally.  Who would have thought that by not wining because of my over sensitivity I would have the opportunity to get to know some pretty amazing people.  Yes, there are still those that given a second and sometimes third chance they are just who they are.  There was no bad day or moment.  They are truly off-putting.  The late Maya Angelou through Oprah said; "when a person shows you who they are believe them".  Sometimes the first time isn't enough to convince you.

The second word, condescending, is one that has followed me since childhood.  I mean, I've had teachers tell me and my mother in parent teacher conferences, the same thing.  Teachers for goodness sake; insecure much.  Showing that I believe I am more intelligent or better than other people is not a conscious behavior.  I don't even know when or if I'm doing it.  What I do know is that it is subjective.  I've always dressed well, carried myself well, and spoke well.  What I know; I know and what I don't know I freely admit.  My accusers of this behavior are usually those who are more educated than myself since I only have a Baccalaureate degree.  Or, those who have been in the same position for so long that they do not realize there are other ways to accomplish tasks.  I don't believe I'm more intelligent than anyone else but when there are times when explaining things to the more experienced and educated I tend to utilize simple analogies when they have difficulty in understanding.  I'm being kind since the difficulty is usually resistance to the change or modification to a process or saying no to a practice that has been wrong for so long that it seems right.  If that is perceived as being condescending, guilty as charged and thus being off-putting.

Dismiss people much, heck yeah.  Sorry, my time and energy are valuable to me and when I feel someone is wasting it--DISMISSED.  I do think about and consider, briefly, what is being presented.  Most times I do not need to ponder and be reflective and when time is of the essence I may seem I gave no consideration at all.  I do, it's just to quick for most to comprehend and that is why they feel dismissed.

For the most part these three words do not say I love you.  They're more like "leave me alone".

I've Quit Smoking...

Well, let's say I've quit buying cigarettes and have switched to "vaping".  May 6, 2014 was the first day that I did not use (tobacco).  Vaping has allowed me to control the nicotine intake and today, September 29, 2014 I have switched to zero (0) nicotine level in the vape juice.  Tested it all weekend and found that I do vape more since there isn't a nicotine in take.  I guess my new addition is  "vaping".  Let's see how this works with my trip back to Atlanta in a few weeks.  The extra chargers, batteries, and vape juice have their own special carrying case.  lol.  

The vape journey began with the disposable brands which were weak and I continued using tobacco while vaping.  Splurging, I purchased the "Blue E-Cigarette".  That lasted all of a week before the charger stopped working.  Yes, I could have received a replacement by filling out some form and sending the item back to the manufacturer but I don't do the return hoops.  Normally, I just write it off as a loss.  I returned to the menthol cigarette.  My cousin "T", had an unusual e-cigarette.  Unusual meaning I never saw one like it.  The Kanger Pro-Tank 2.  The sleekness of the design caught my attention and the fact that she had been using it for almost a year without using tobacco sold me on trying it.  The start up cost wasn't cheap by no means.  Almost $100 to get started and then replacing batteries for more power and stocking up on juice, I spent nearly $300 but I would have spent that much on cigarettes over the past four months and I've spent more than that with the various quitting tools; smoking sensations, the patch, nicorette, hypnosis, and chantix.  This is the first tool, even though it is not advertised as a "stop smoking" aid or backed by smoking sensations, that actually worked for me.  Or, maybe my mind was finally right.  A "touch of emphysema" will do that to you.  Quitting now may reverse the damage, we'll see in November which is my next scheduled appointment.

Happy Birthday To Me

I was born on May 12, 1961 and today is my 53rd birthday.  Wow!  I didn't think I would make it this far.  I've lost so many people on the way here that at times guilt sets in for living.    That is something those of us who survived the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the 80's experience.  Even worse, depending how it's viewed, I've survived cancer and a heart attack.  Some may say I'm blessed other may call it luck.  I'm just trying to understand why am I still here?  Sorry, this is becoming a depressing post but these are things that are on my mind.  They, who is "they", say you shouldn't question GOD or the higher power.  If you don't question, how do you obtain the answers?  Not that I'm receiving some divine whisperer or something to answer my questions.

Well anyway, Happy Birthday to me.  Another year, four years after my heart attack and mother's death, five years after cancer treatment, and twenty four years after being diagnosed with HIV (undetectable).  I'm still here.  Smile?  Yes, today I will.

Family Resemblance

Like most people during the holiday season, I become reflective which leads me to look back on my life and wonder where everyone I once new has gone.  Are those friends from my twenties and thirties still on this earth?  During this time I wonder where in the world is Sharon Whitaker, my ex-girl friend from 1984 to 1987.  We had a messy break up which left me homeless with only the clothes on my back and a weekend bag.  Thank goodness I packed heavy back then.  A weekend bag consisted of enough clothing for a week.  As it turned out I need every article of clothing to sustain me for quite awhile.  Talk about mixing and matching to create new looks with the same articles for several weeks.  Yes, I was a "Fashion Don" who could create a look out of nothing.  The Ru Paul fashion challenges would have been nothing for me during that time.

Periodically I would check Facebook for Sharon with no luck until now.  Yes, I stalked her page as an anonymous voyeur reviewing posts and pictures to get an idea as to what she has been up to all these years.  I found a picture of a young lady that looks like me or at least I can see some of my family attributes.  Could it be?
  

I've always had this inner feeling that there may be a chance that I had a child out in the world somewhere.  The question is..."who is the baby daddy?"  Is this young lady her niece all grown up?  Questions that need answers but how am I to obtain them.  I haven't spoken to her since our break up in 1987.  Would she accept a friend request?  How will I ask about the picture without tipping her off that I think the child is mine?  Unfortunately, we lost a baby in the first trimester and I remember the riff between us then.  We were already having difficulties in our relationship and expecting a baby just complicated things even further.  Especially, when I said I would marry her for the baby.  NOT the right thing to say I later learned.  Sharon new she would have a custody battle with me as well since I indicated that if we didn't get married I would want custody.

Well, I asked the question and the answer:  "She's my daughter-in-law that I met two years ago."  Take it as it is.  Daughter-in-law or Daughter.  There is some resemblance to my family.  She looks like my sister when she was younger.  The truth may never be known.

The Universe, God, Budah, Allah....

Whatever your higher belief is, there are times when it presents itself to you.  In my case, it was a recent trip to Atlanta, GA to celebrate the 50th birthday of an old friend from back in the day.  I always thought that Keith and me were the same age.  In fact, the group I hung around with in the early 80's, I assumed were around my age.  Recently, I discovered that we were three to four years apart plus or minus.  What a group to come out with.  All in various stages of acceptance of who we were at that time.  

Back to the original thought of this post; the universe.  Originally I planned to stay with a friend, more of an acquaintance I met in early August through, of all places, a Craig's list post.  Close your mouth people.  Yes, from time to time I post and respond to ads.  Let's just leave it at that.  Anyway, that is how I met Mark C.  A nice guy my age, a nice evening, and subsequently a nice two month long distance texting and phone call relationship.  He is from Atlanta and when I remembered Keith's birthday invite I couldn't wait to tell him that I would be traveling to the ATL.  He was excited, I was excited and in our excitement he offered lodging at his place.  Since I planned to stay from October 11-15, needed to catch a real Drag show on the fourteenth, I informed Mark that I would stay with him for the first two nights because he would be tired of me by Sunday (said jokingly).

One week before the planned excursion Mark informed me that he had been staying with friends since he gave up his apartment before his trip to the Albany area and did not place a hold on the apartment he looked at before he left.  Needless to say, the man did not have a place for me to stay.  My reservation at the Indigo was from Sunday, October 13-15.  I instantly went into the panic business mode to find lodging for October 11-12.  I was very proud of myself for not letting him have it.  Besides his text, yes text not a phone call, indicated his shame and embareesment.  I figured his conscience would beat him up enough and there was no need for harsh words.  Besides it wouldn't get me lodging for two days and that was the more pressing issue.  I managed to get booked at the Indigo for Friday, October 11th but Saturday was totally booked.  The options were to get there and hope that I could extend my Friday booking to Saturday or book another hotel near by and move then return to the Indigo on Sunday.  I didn't like either option but did the smart thing and booked another hotel, Holiday Inn Express.  Signed up for the rewards program and a free trip to Las Vegas.  Hello Lady!

The Universe shined on me and that was just the beginning.  I ended up staying all four nights at the Indigo in room 203.  The Pride Parade past the hotel and I had a great view.  Oh, that is why the hotel was booked.  Atlanta Pride was on the Columdus Day weekend.  Bonus!

The Indigo hotel front desk clerks Amanda, Joshua, and Bradley are the best!  I received nothing but positive energy from the universe from finding lodging to meeting people who did everything possible to keep me at the Indigo for the entire stay.  Now, I do believe that if I became negative toward Mark even after he began projecting his frustration and humiliation toward me while I was there, the Universe may not have been so positive.  Karma, you receive what you put out in the universe.  During difficult times remain positive. 

What Are Your Triggers

When I went through smoking sensations the group leader mentioned that we will discover our triggers that cause us to want to light up and smoke.  Needless to say smoking sensations did nothing for me and I'm still lighting up but this isn't what I want to talk about today.

Today, I'm reviewing the triggers that I have been experiencing lately that cause me to swell up with tears.  The triggers that bring back a flood of memories of Joyce, my mother.  Just the other day, I saw an elderly woman in line at McDonald's; a place I should not be obtaining my meals from.  She was about five foot three inches tall, with white hair, a blue sweater, and a pair of blue jeans.  The way she moved through the line and the jeans she wore reminded me of my mom.  My eyes began to fill with water right there in line and for an instant I saw "Joyce".  

Recently I saw the movie "Guilt Trip" with Barbara Streisand and Seth Rogan.  IMDb has it listed as a comedy but I dabbed my eyes through most of the movie.  I was Seth and "Joyce" was Barbara.  There were many moments in the film that reminded me of my relationship with my mother.   There's nothing like a Mother and Son relationship.  I've stated in previous posts that I am an "Out and Proud Mama's Boy".

The ache in my tattered heart is still there after three years but it is soothed by the warmth of her memory and the moments we shared driving in our new neighborhood getting lost.  We were lost together and that's all that mattered.  I didn't have a navigation system then and my sense of direction is non existent.  Funny how "Joyce" is the only one who truly understood that.  She was amazed at how oblivious I was to my surroundings.  

I recall a time when I came home from work and she asked if I saw the flowers.  What flowers, I said.  The ones you passed on your way in, she responded and shook her head.  You pass the flower bed every day and you didn't see that they were in bloom?  She couldn't believe that I missed it.  My response was, Nope.  She and I laughed at my oblivion together.  I told her I was a little special and she said, you sure are.  She really got me, like no one else.

Hey, miss you ma!  Thanks for stopping by in my dreams over the past couple of weeks.  I really needed that.

The Prince of Wales

Finally, we were able to speak to each other last night.  After several missed calls, text messages, and voice mails we spent twenty minutes on the phone professing how much we missed each other and inquiring about work and life's happenstances.  I hadn't seen The Prince of Wales since December 19, 2010 when he surprised me with a visit.  Two weeks prior to the visit, we discovered that over the past two years we secretly admired each other.  Though we never spent a lot of time together during those two years other than coincidental meetings in common watering holes where we would connect and reconnect.  I always felt good, somewhat euphoric, after seeing Wales and spending a few moments with him.  It's amazing how much you can learn about a person when you utilize those brief chance encounters to get to know them by cutting through the window dressing and discovering the substance.  When I discovered he was a single dad through adoption, he won me over.  he didn't know two years ago that I was in total admiration of him.  I knew then that he was a good man.  A better man than myself for I would never consider becoming a single dad.  My response to inquiries  as to why I do not have any children is one; I'm not married and two; I'm selfish.  Hey, I'm being honest here.  My narrow view on children and family caused me to become blind to the fact that I could adopt and become a father without any baby mama drama.  I was on the baby mama drama train and it got derailed twenty two years ago and the desire for the traditional sense of marriage and children dissipated.  My resolve was to be single and childless.

Here I am now, twenty two years later fantasizing, by inserting myself into the family photo of The Prince of Wales and the four Dukes.  Adding one more ring of commitment to the Prince's finger to solidify the bond between us.  Anxiously awaiting the first meeting with the Dukes and wondering if they will like me as much as their father does.  Will they be receptive of a step father?  Hey King Edward, slow your roll man!  I put on a good front when the Prince went down that road and I pulled the reigns; "we have to take things slowly", I said.  Wales agreed and pulled it back.  In our minds, I think the both of us were already standing in our tuxedos surrounded by the Dukes, family and friends sitting behind us witnessing our ceremony of commitment and depending upon which state we were in (New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, and Vermont, and Washington, DC), our marriage which would be recognized in New York.  Wow!  I can't believe I just wrote this or that this long dormant thought of marriage has been rekindled and reverberates within my heart.  Shall I dust of my wedding binder and begin cutting out photos from wedding magazines?  I haven't seen the horse drawn carriage in years.  I digress; I'm truly getting carried away right now.

Availability isn't an issue with Wales unlike the others I fell for over the past ten years.  He is in a committed relationship with his sons and there is room in his heart for me as well and that's a beautiful thing.

Dear Mom,

It has been a year to the day since I held your hand as you slipped away to that glorious kingdom. I thought I would have joined you by now but it is not in his plan though I did have a close call. Mom, this has been a very lonely year without you. The next generation of the Eve’s have been keeping me busy with karaoke every other week and inviting me to birthday parties and holiday dinners. I’ve been keeping myself busy and thinking of you every day. When the day is over I come home to the apartment we shared. I miss you sitting in the love seat watching television outside of my room with the volume so loud that I had to where head phones to hear the program I was watching. My best friend is gone and I have become somewhat reclusive. On the weekends that I do not karaoke, I stay in the house. Sometimes I stay in the bed the entire weekend. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I finally understand what you were going through when the anniversary of your mother’s death approached. I’ve been sad for the past few weeks just dreading this day.

Last night I dreamt about you and woke up at 2:30 am which is the time that I witnessed your death. The nurse didn’t arrive until 2:50 am. It was just you and me for twenty minutes. All I could do was sit at the side of your bed and hold your hand. Mom, did you know I was there? As your spirit floated away did you see me? I was strong but you knew I would be. I think the nurse was shocked at how calm and organized I was. The girls did come up to see you before the nurse came. You would have been proud of Jacqui. Teary eyed, she handled her daughters grief and left me to manage the business at hand. The both of us stepped into our roles as you requested. She called everyone in your address book as the sun came up and I contacted the church and Aunt Betty. By the end of the day everything was arranged and in place. Your Pastor couldn’t believe it when I met with him that afternoon. I’m sorry to say that I’ve only been back to your church once in the past year and that is when the Ushers were honoring you and requested that I come. Mom, don’t be disappointed that I haven’t been to church. I know you wanted me to find a church home but you know my feelings about the organized edifices in this area. You and GOD know my heart.

Well, I just wanted to let you know that we are ok. We miss you and Jacqui tries to keep up with the traditions; Thanks Giving dinner, Christmas dinner and even a New Year’s dinner. We both had today off. She scheduled hers and I was thankful for the snow storm. I don’t think I would have done well at work today. JeNae’s postings on Facebook always end with “RIP Grandma”. She’s been doing that all year. I guess that is her way of dealing with missing you and publically grieving. I have a picture of you as my wallpaper on my computer at work. JeLoni has a scrapbook and Jacqui has the traditions. We are all managing in our own way.

Tell everyone that you have reconnected with there that I said hello and I can’t wait to see them again. I hope Mary Jane has found you. She left us in October 2010. Did Wayne bring the tape of me singing at the workshop? His sister found it and took my address to send it to me but it hasn’t arrived yet. I know you are watching over us and if you get a chance, stop by and visit some time. Don’t worry, you won’t freak me out. OK, that was cute; clanging the radiator. Are you testing me? Yeah, I jumped a little. :)

Love you Mom!

Until we meet again,

Eddie

Xanax Anyone?

I promised my BFF Sheilah that I would attend the “Everybody’s Birthday” celebration at her church this year since I bailed last year.  The event began at 6:30 pm and I arrived at 6:15 not knowing what to expect nor did I realize that it was a fund raiser.  Well of course it would be since it was held at a church.  Another one of those tricky titled fund raisers that I never under stand, like a “Shoe Rally”.  A fund raiser based on shoe size.  I must say, church folk are very creative. 

Parking was a challenge and I had to park two blocks away from the church and walk down a slippery hill to get to the entrance.  When I entered the hall I was surprised at the number of tables that were set up as well as the multitude of people.  Standing on the steps for a moment to take it all in, I searched the hall for Sheilah hoping she would spot me.  This was an enormous event and I became a little unsettled.  I’m not comfortable in crowded situations.  They are a little claustrophobic for me.  My host was in the center of the hall receiving guests and I made my way to her through the tight aisles of tables, chairs, and people carrying plates of food.  Sheilah saw me and we smiled and embraced.  We haven’t seen each other in few months and it was good to see her again.  There was an opening at one of her tables off in a corner and she directed me to it.  As I made my way to the table I said hello to few people I knew from my mother’s church and exchanged pleasantries.  They did inquire how the family was doing since they hadn’t seen me since the funeral last February.

I found my seat off in the corner but didn’t sit down.  Instead I leaned against the wall and observed the people, lots of people.  As I was standing there everything began to close in on me.  I took a few deep breaths to calm myself but the feeling didn’t go away.  One of the table caught on fire and I observed the quickness in which it was put out with the ladled punch.  I found myself looking for an exit and the closest one was across the Hall, the same way I came in.  My chest began to tighten and walls were coming in on me, I had to get out.  I wanted to stay but I knew something was wrong.  I gave my seat to a late arriving mother, draped my jacket and scarf over my arm and proceeded to find Sheilah.  I couldn’t stay.  It was just too much for me.  I found my BFF gave her a hung and passed her a donation as I told her it was too many people for me and I had to go. 

I’ve never had that feeling happen to me before.  Was I experiencing an anxiety attack?  Is that how my mom was feeling before she passed away?  Did the Xanax work for her?  When I got to my car I was relieved but the feeling was still there.  Not sure if I would be able to drive home I stopped off at Rocks take the edge off.  A glass of Chardonnay should do the trick.

Karaoke @ JJ Rafferty's after Thanks Giving

The Takia Fredward Show.  Rafferty's was rather empty Friday, November, 26, 2010.  John, the Karaoke DJ thought it was due to the shopping frenzy and people not wanting to stop.  Everyone looks for the deals on "Black Friday".  Who coined that phrase?  In my opinion; the pushing, shoving, trampling, and false advertising isn't worth forsaking one's sanity just to get a deal.  I'm just saying.

Four songs each due to the limited patronage at Raffs and we debuted new material.  The lighting was darker than usual but the vocals could be heard without a lot of background noise.

Garry

Continued from October 12, 2010

We spent the rest of the evening getting to know one another.  What an unlikely pair to be so engrossed in the corner of a bar; an African American and a Skinhead.  Yes!  I said a skinhead with a swastika patch, confederate flag, bomber jacket, bald head, tattoos, and combat boots.  That is why I don’t judge on appearances, les I be judged.  He does not fit the stereotype.  In fact he is rather sweet and a self proclaimed “good skinhead”.  The opposing attraction was magnetic and the cousins noticed it at Rafferty’s.  My girls are very observant and could tell I was beside myself.  It’s difficult for me to hide my emotions when I’m enthralled with someone from my heart.

Well, I’ve said it and he will probably read it.  Garry shouldn’t be surprised since I have not hidden my feelings towards him.  The most I can hope for is a wonderful friendship and that will have to suffice.  Good friends are hard to find and I think I have found one in Garry.

Related articles

• Once a skinhead, now he speaks of harmony (philly.com)
• JayZ 'Decoded' in Gucci (eclecticprodigy.wordpress.com)

Roots of the Skinhead

The Matriarch's 84th Birthday

We celebrated my Great Aunt's 84th birthday on Friday, October 8, 2010 at JJ Rafferty's.

Garry

Continued from September 19, 2010

To get away from the tired drag show, I went out to the dimly lit patio and sat down at a table in the corner which was an advantageous point to observe the characters.  I enjoy people watching and giggling to myself it's better than the "Big Gay Sketch Show" on Logo.  While watching the children perform, I noticed this shaved head, suspender wearing masculine dude come out to the patio and select a seat near the back wall.  I couldn't help but  notice the black boots with white laces.  I've always wanted a pair of boots like that.  His swagger exuded confidence and the sideburns and tatts just topped off the entire look which made me tingle with excitement.


Oh, I hope he notices me I thought to myself as I stole glances in his direction. I found out later that he was stealing glances at me as well. I'm so oblivious to being cruised and most of the time I miss out on a connection since I'm not confident enough to make the first move. A simple hello, how are you would suffice but I can't seem to get up the nerve to make the first contact. I sat and drank my Cabernet and began to laugh out loud at the entertainment. Mr. Boots seized the opportunity to get up from his chair and interject funny comments into the conversation that we were obviously eavesdropping on. Wow, good looking and a sense of humor. Show me more dude. That he did. He asked if he could join me at my table and of course I said yes.


(To be continued...)

JJ Raferty's

Karaoke night at JJ Rafferty’s Friday, September 10th was a mini concert for me. The girls couldn’t make it and I had invited Garry who I met last Saturday at Rocks. I went to Rocks after attending “That 70’s Float” boat ride.

The boat ride was a class reunion type of event for the classes of the ‘70’s. I had a great time on the boat ride. They had Karaoke and I just had to sing. I was honored when Dick and Katie Holmes indicated that they have been following my blog and enjoyed my writing. When Lisa Connors and Bev Clementie arrived, I was overjoyed. I didn’t bring a date and was there alone and even though it was the classes of the 70’s, I barely knew anyone or should I say, recognize anyone.

That is I didn’t recognize anyone from the days at High School, but I did recognize a few of the older classmen from the watering holes in the area. Not going to out anyone, it’s their business but let’s just say there were a few uncomfortable men on the boat ride. Dudes, your secret is safe with me. We’ll just have a few giggles about the situation the next time we see each other outside a WHS event.

After the event, I went to Rocks. I was still energized from the dancing and singing on the boat and I didn’t want the evening to end. I hadn’t been to Rocks since March and I was surprised to see that they had done some remodeling. They must have purchased the building next door since there was an opening in the wall that led to a large dance floor with a stage in front of it. Whatta’ ya’ know, there was a drag show going on. OK, this should be fun. I always get a kick out of the tired (poor) performances by the local drag talent. They are hilarious. The Drag Queens in Albany really need to DVR Ru Pauls Drag Race on Logo. Maybe they can pick up some tips on how to be a drag performer. Even better a more convincing drag performer. Instead they look like men dressed up for Halloween. The illusion is totally lost on these pathetic wannabees. A few dance lessons wouldn’t hurt either. I guess I’m spoiled by the professionalism of the NYC, Atlanta, Las Vegas, and even Buffalo drag performers who could and do pass as women during the day. They’ve honed their craft and their lip sinking is on point. Their drag (costume) is professionally made. I swear they must have designers working with them.

Surprisingly, the show was actually good. I figured they must have imported some real talent since this was and AIDS fundraiser. I found out during the week at work that the “Old Girls” were performing from a co-worker who was a performer. He informed me that they were working a deal with the Rock’s ownership to have special event nights on Saturdays and the AIDs fundraiser was the first of many to come. He also informed me that the Sunday night show was poorly organized and the performers were the “Young Girls” with no talent. So, it wasn’t just me. What a relief, I thought I was becoming jaded.

OK, so I threw the name Garry out there and just left it dangling in the air. Curious, aren’t you. Well, he’s married (partnered) for seventeen years. Get this; his partner’s name is Eddie. What a coincidence…


(to be continued)

Karaoke At Peddler's Bistro

The girls and I went to Peddler’s Bistro in Clifton Park on Friday the 3rd and had a marvelous time despite the idiot DJ. Even with the on board GPS, I managed to miss the place. Peddler’s offers free valet parking, unbeknownst to me. I was a little apprehensive to turn my fob over to the attendant but his beautiful smile put me a ease. He asked if it was my first time there and I said yes, I was there for Karaoke. The attendant, Eric, requested a shout out when I got up to sing. I knew then that it was going to be a good night that is until I met the DJ.


Karaoke didn’t begin until around 9:00 PM after the band finished playing on the patio. Nia sent a link to Stilly’s Entertainment which is the Karaoke Company. The website had bios of their DJ’s and their entire song list. DJ Billie has a very hot picture on the website with an interesting bio. However, as a customer service representative he has a lot to learn. My group noticed that he was very cold and unwelcoming when receiving our slips. He didn’t acknowledge us or the songs we selected. He basically snatched the slip out of my hand and tossed off to the side. Not on or near a pile where there were other slips that had been turned in by but under the counter top. I actually leaned over the counter to see where they landed. Needless to say, his actions irked me and I knew what I had to do…

Nail my performances!!

Day At The Track

On Sunday, August 8, 2010 I went to the Saratoga Race Track for the first time this season to reconnect with friends, Jozette and Jo-Anne. I wasn’t sure of how I would handle being at the track without Joyce. That was our thing, well her thing, during the summer. I was the driver who was bribed with the promise of a sausage and peppers sandwich. Joyce really didn’t have to bribe me. I enjoyed our days at the track together or our drives to nowhere discovering new things in Montgomery County and discovering new restaurants and fish fry places. The sausage and peppers sandwich along with the Sunday give-away at the track was gravy on a delicious plate of time spent with Mom.

Emotional Day

I'm overwhelmed with emotions today.  My chest was hurting this morning as if I was experiencing another artery blockage.  I can not seem to defeat this nicotine addiction.  My mind is wondering and missing my mother.  I feel like the commercial where the lady is being wound up to start her day.  The happy facade is not working form me.  The darkness is hovering over me and I can not see the light.

Locked Out

What a way to start the day locking myself out of the house this morning. Already not having a not so good start to this dreary day, I managed to beautify myself in record time; twenty minutes. That’s a record for me since my process can take anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half depending on my mood. I hope I can at least recreate those steps on a regular basis.