May 10, 2010 my RCA (right coronary artery) was blocked and I experienced a heart attack two days before my 49th birthday. Now I can add CAD to my list of living with diseases.
Life is to short, it's time to live it. Sharing my escapades and life lessons.
Finally, we were able to speak to each other last night. After several missed calls, text messages, and voice mails we spent twenty minutes on the phone professing how much we missed each other and inquiring about work and life's happenstances. I hadn't seen The Prince of Wales since December 19, 2010 when he surprised me with a visit. Two weeks prior to the visit, we discovered that over the past two years we secretly admired each other. Though we never spent a lot of time together during those two years other than coincidental meetings in common watering holes where we would connect and reconnect. I always felt good, somewhat euphoric, after seeing Wales and spending a few moments with him. It's amazing how much you can learn about a person when you utilize those brief chance encounters to get to know them by cutting through the window dressing and discovering the substance. When I discovered he was a single dad through adoption, he won me over. he didn't know two years ago that I was in total admiration of him. I knew then that he was a good man. A better man than myself for I would never consider becoming a single dad. My response to inquiries as to why I do not have any children is one; I'm not married and two; I'm selfish. Hey, I'm being honest here. My narrow view on children and family caused me to become blind to the fact that I could adopt and become a father without any baby mama drama. I was on the baby mama drama train and it got derailed twenty two years ago and the desire for the traditional sense of marriage and children dissipated. My resolve was to be single and childless.
Here I am now, twenty two years later fantasizing, by inserting myself into the family photo of The Prince of Wales and the four Dukes. Adding one more ring of commitment to the Prince's finger to solidify the bond between us. Anxiously awaiting the first meeting with the Dukes and wondering if they will like me as much as their father does. Will they be receptive of a step father? Hey King Edward, slow your roll man! I put on a good front when the Prince went down that road and I pulled the reigns; "we have to take things slowly", I said. Wales agreed and pulled it back. In our minds, I think the both of us were already standing in our tuxedos surrounded by the Dukes, family and friends sitting behind us witnessing our ceremony of commitment and depending upon which state we were in (New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, and Vermont, and Washington, DC), our marriage which would be recognized in New York. Wow! I can't believe I just wrote this or that this long dormant thought of marriage has been rekindled and reverberates within my heart. Shall I dust of my wedding binder and begin cutting out photos from wedding magazines? I haven't seen the horse drawn carriage in years. I digress; I'm truly getting carried away right now.
Availability isn't an issue with Wales unlike the others I fell for over the past ten years. He is in a committed relationship with his sons and there is room in his heart for me as well and that's a beautiful thing.
It has been a year to the day since I held your hand as you slipped away to that glorious kingdom. I thought I would have joined you by now but it is not in his plan though I did have a close call. Mom, this has been a very lonely year without you. The next generation of the Eve’s have been keeping me busy with karaoke every other week and inviting me to birthday parties and holiday dinners. I’ve been keeping myself busy and thinking of you every day. When the day is over I come home to the apartment we shared. I miss you sitting in the love seat watching television outside of my room with the volume so loud that I had to where head phones to hear the program I was watching. My best friend is gone and I have become somewhat reclusive. On the weekends that I do not karaoke, I stay in the house. Sometimes I stay in the bed the entire weekend. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I finally understand what you were going through when the anniversary of your mother’s death approached. I’ve been sad for the past few weeks just dreading this day.
Last night I dreamt about you and woke up at 2:30 am which is the time that I witnessed your death. The nurse didn’t arrive until 2:50 am. It was just you and me for twenty minutes. All I could do was sit at the side of your bed and hold your hand. Mom, did you know I was there? As your spirit floated away did you see me? I was strong but you knew I would be. I think the nurse was shocked at how calm and organized I was. The girls did come up to see you before the nurse came. You would have been proud of Jacqui. Teary eyed, she handled her daughters grief and left me to manage the business at hand. The both of us stepped into our roles as you requested. She called everyone in your address book as the sun came up and I contacted the church and Aunt Betty. By the end of the day everything was arranged and in place. Your Pastor couldn’t believe it when I met with him that afternoon. I’m sorry to say that I’ve only been back to your church once in the past year and that is when the Ushers were honoring you and requested that I come. Mom, don’t be disappointed that I haven’t been to church. I know you wanted me to find a church home but you know my feelings about the organized edifices in this area. You and GOD know my heart.
Well, I just wanted to let you know that we are ok. We miss you and Jacqui tries to keep up with the traditions; Thanks Giving dinner, Christmas dinner and even a New Year’s dinner. We both had today off. She scheduled hers and I was thankful for the snow storm. I don’t think I would have done well at work today. JeNae’s postings on Facebook always end with “RIP Grandma”. She’s been doing that all year. I guess that is her way of dealing with missing you and publically grieving. I have a picture of you as my wallpaper on my computer at work. JeLoni has a scrapbook and Jacqui has the traditions. We are all managing in our own way.
Tell everyone that you have reconnected with there that I said hello and I can’t wait to see them again. I hope Mary Jane has found you. She left us in October 2010. Did Wayne bring the tape of me singing at the workshop? His sister found it and took my address to send it to me but it hasn’t arrived yet. I know you are watching over us and if you get a chance, stop by and visit some time. Don’t worry, you won’t freak me out. OK, that was cute; clanging the radiator. Are you testing me? Yeah, I jumped a little. :)
I promised my BFF Sheilah that I would attend the “Everybody’s Birthday” celebration at her church this year since I bailed last year. The event began at 6:30 pm and I arrived at 6:15 not knowing what to expect nor did I realize that it was a fund raiser. Well of course it would be since it was held at a church. Another one of those tricky titled fund raisers that I never under stand, like a “Shoe Rally”. A fund raiser based on shoe size. I must say, church folk are very creative.
Parking was a challenge and I had to park two blocks away from the church and walk down a slippery hill to get to the entrance. When I entered the hall I was surprised at the number of tables that were set up as well as the multitude of people. Standing on the steps for a moment to take it all in, I searched the hall for Sheilah hoping she would spot me. This was an enormous event and I became a little unsettled. I’m not comfortable in crowded situations. They are a little claustrophobic for me. My host was in the center of the hall receiving guests and I made my way to her through the tight aisles of tables, chairs, and people carrying plates of food. Sheilah saw me and we smiled and embraced. We haven’t seen each other in few months and it was good to see her again. There was an opening at one of her tables off in a corner and she directed me to it. As I made my way to the table I said hello to few people I knew from my mother’s church and exchanged pleasantries. They did inquire how the family was doing since they hadn’t seen me since the funeral last February.
I found my seat off in the corner but didn’t sit down. Instead I leaned against the wall and observed the people, lots of people. As I was standing there everything began to close in on me. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself but the feeling didn’t go away. One of the table caught on fire and I observed the quickness in which it was put out with the ladled punch. I found myself looking for an exit and the closest one was across the Hall, the same way I came in. My chest began to tighten and walls were coming in on me, I had to get out. I wanted to stay but I knew something was wrong. I gave my seat to a late arriving mother, draped my jacket and scarf over my arm and proceeded to find Sheilah. I couldn’t stay. It was just too much for me. I found my BFF gave her a hung and passed her a donation as I told her it was too many people for me and I had to go.
I’ve never had that feeling happen to me before. Was I experiencing an anxiety attack? Is that how my mom was feeling before she passed away? Did the Xanax work for her? When I got to my car I was relieved but the feeling was still there. Not sure if I would be able to drive home I stopped off at Rocks take the edge off. A glass of Chardonnay should do the trick.
The Takia Fredward Show. Rafferty's was rather empty Friday, November, 26, 2010. John, the Karaoke DJ thought it was due to the shopping frenzy and people not wanting to stop. Everyone looks for the deals on "Black Friday". Who coined that phrase? In my opinion; the pushing, shoving, trampling, and false advertising isn't worth forsaking one's sanity just to get a deal. I'm just saying.
Four songs each due to the limited patronage at Raffs and we debuted new material. The lighting was darker than usual but the vocals could be heard without a lot of background noise.
We spent the rest of the evening getting to know one another.What an unlikely pair to be so engrossed in the corner of a bar; an African American and a Skinhead.Yes!I said a skinhead with a swastika patch, confederate flag, bomber jacket, bald head, tattoos, and combat boots.That is why I don’t judge on appearances, les I be judged.He does not fit the stereotype.In fact he is rather sweet and a self proclaimed “good skinhead”.The opposing attraction was magnetic and the cousins noticed it at Rafferty’s.My girls are very observant and could tell I was beside myself.It’s difficult for me to hide my emotions when I’m enthralled with someone from my heart.
Well, I’ve said it and he will probably read it.Garry shouldn’t be surprised since I have not hidden my feelings towards him.The most I can hope for is a wonderful friendship and that will have to suffice.Good friends are hard to find and I think I have found one in Garry.
