These Three Words...

No, this is not a Stevie Wonder reference where the words are "I Love You".  There are times when something is said to you and no matter how hard you try to let it go, the comment stays with you and evokes anxiousness in your being when it enters your thoughts.  Recently, I've been labeled as off-putting, condescending, and dismissive. No, this isn't the first time that these behaviors were evoked by someone. Usually it is a work related incident that brings this out of me.  Well, that's the only time that these labels are applied.  So is it really me?  The fictional character, Forest Gump said; "Stupid is what stupid does".  I guess when I recognize "stupid" these characteristics just show up.  I've always been dismissive, even as a child.  Always the bearer of the word "NO".  My mother would say to me that it's not what you say but how you say it.  To me, a "no" is a "no" regardless of how much sugar is dumped on it or how many flowers surround it.  Every rejection is not up for discussion, so yes at work there have been times when I may have been dismissive, off-putting, and or condescending.

My source for the definitions below is the Miriam Webster's online dictionary.  I just had to see if I understood the definition of these words and if they were accurate to my predicament.  

• off–put·ting adjective \-ˌpu̇-tiŋ\ : not pleasing or likable : causing you to feel dislike of someone or something.
• con·de·scend·ing adjective \ˌkän-di-ˈsen-diŋ\ : showing that you believe you are more intelligent or better than other people.
• dismissive adjective of:  dis·miss verb \dis-ˈmis\ : to decide not to think about or consider (something or someone) : to send (someone) away : to cause or allow (someone) to leave : to officially make (someone) leave a job : to end the employment or service of (someone).

Well, unfortunately the definitions are somewhat accurate.  Off-putting was a new description of me that I earned in the past few years.  I did not know what it meant until I looked it up.  I discovered that not only do I cause people to dislike me or my actions but every day I feel the same way towards someone especially at work.  The story of my life, no reference to One Direction, has been full of off-putting comments and actions towards me.  Should I have filed complaints towards co-workers or called acquaintances on their actions/comments?  I've chosen to distance myself from those individuals which works well with acquaintances.  Co-workers are a different story.  If I work directly with them then I only deal with them when work requires it.  Indirect co-workers are basically ignored.  The encounter with them is usually a one time occurrence or very infrequent.  In life you will come upon people that cause you to dislike them or something they did.  It's inevitable since we are human.  For example, I dislike when a person honks their horn at another driver because they did not step on the gas peddle fast enough when the light turned green.  That is off-putting to me.  Should I call 911?  Why, the person may be having an off moment or day for that matter.  My discomfort will subside by the next intersection or two.  For the most part my boundaries have been enlarged to include those who may cause a feeling of dislike.  I at least give them the opportunity to reverse that feeling by getting to know who they really are.  They are no longer immediately dismissed from my circle and I have discovered in most cases it was the subject matter or situation that caused them to react in a manner that I viewed as off-putting.  By not surcumming to my inner childlike emotions when my feelings would get hurt, I gave the individual the benefit of the doubt by not taking it personally.  Who would have thought that by not wining because of my over sensitivity I would have the opportunity to get to know some pretty amazing people.  Yes, there are still those that given a second and sometimes third chance they are just who they are.  There was no bad day or moment.  They are truly off-putting.  The late Maya Angelou through Oprah said; "when a person shows you who they are believe them".  Sometimes the first time isn't enough to convince you.

The second word, condescending, is one that has followed me since childhood.  I mean, I've had teachers tell me and my mother in parent teacher conferences, the same thing.  Teachers for goodness sake; insecure much.  Showing that I believe I am more intelligent or better than other people is not a conscious behavior.  I don't even know when or if I'm doing it.  What I do know is that it is subjective.  I've always dressed well, carried myself well, and spoke well.  What I know; I know and what I don't know I freely admit.  My accusers of this behavior are usually those who are more educated than myself since I only have a Baccalaureate degree.  Or, those who have been in the same position for so long that they do not realize there are other ways to accomplish tasks.  I don't believe I'm more intelligent than anyone else but when there are times when explaining things to the more experienced and educated I tend to utilize simple analogies when they have difficulty in understanding.  I'm being kind since the difficulty is usually resistance to the change or modification to a process or saying no to a practice that has been wrong for so long that it seems right.  If that is perceived as being condescending, guilty as charged and thus being off-putting.

Dismiss people much, heck yeah.  Sorry, my time and energy are valuable to me and when I feel someone is wasting it--DISMISSED.  I do think about and consider, briefly, what is being presented.  Most times I do not need to ponder and be reflective and when time is of the essence I may seem I gave no consideration at all.  I do, it's just to quick for most to comprehend and that is why they feel dismissed.

For the most part these three words do not say I love you.  They're more like "leave me alone".

I've Quit Smoking...

Well, let's say I've quit buying cigarettes and have switched to "vaping".  May 6, 2014 was the first day that I did not use (tobacco).  Vaping has allowed me to control the nicotine intake and today, September 29, 2014 I have switched to zero (0) nicotine level in the vape juice.  Tested it all weekend and found that I do vape more since there isn't a nicotine in take.  I guess my new addition is  "vaping".  Let's see how this works with my trip back to Atlanta in a few weeks.  The extra chargers, batteries, and vape juice have their own special carrying case.  lol.  

The vape journey began with the disposable brands which were weak and I continued using tobacco while vaping.  Splurging, I purchased the "Blue E-Cigarette".  That lasted all of a week before the charger stopped working.  Yes, I could have received a replacement by filling out some form and sending the item back to the manufacturer but I don't do the return hoops.  Normally, I just write it off as a loss.  I returned to the menthol cigarette.  My cousin "T", had an unusual e-cigarette.  Unusual meaning I never saw one like it.  The Kanger Pro-Tank 2.  The sleekness of the design caught my attention and the fact that she had been using it for almost a year without using tobacco sold me on trying it.  The start up cost wasn't cheap by no means.  Almost $100 to get started and then replacing batteries for more power and stocking up on juice, I spent nearly $300 but I would have spent that much on cigarettes over the past four months and I've spent more than that with the various quitting tools; smoking sensations, the patch, nicorette, hypnosis, and chantix.  This is the first tool, even though it is not advertised as a "stop smoking" aid or backed by smoking sensations, that actually worked for me.  Or, maybe my mind was finally right.  A "touch of emphysema" will do that to you.  Quitting now may reverse the damage, we'll see in November which is my next scheduled appointment.

Happy Birthday To Me

I was born on May 12, 1961 and today is my 53rd birthday.  Wow!  I didn't think I would make it this far.  I've lost so many people on the way here that at times guilt sets in for living.    That is something those of us who survived the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the 80's experience.  Even worse, depending how it's viewed, I've survived cancer and a heart attack.  Some may say I'm blessed other may call it luck.  I'm just trying to understand why am I still here?  Sorry, this is becoming a depressing post but these are things that are on my mind.  They, who is "they", say you shouldn't question GOD or the higher power.  If you don't question, how do you obtain the answers?  Not that I'm receiving some divine whisperer or something to answer my questions.

Well anyway, Happy Birthday to me.  Another year, four years after my heart attack and mother's death, five years after cancer treatment, and twenty four years after being diagnosed with HIV (undetectable).  I'm still here.  Smile?  Yes, today I will.

Family Resemblance

Like most people during the holiday season, I become reflective which leads me to look back on my life and wonder where everyone I once new has gone.  Are those friends from my twenties and thirties still on this earth?  During this time I wonder where in the world is Sharon Whitaker, my ex-girl friend from 1984 to 1987.  We had a messy break up which left me homeless with only the clothes on my back and a weekend bag.  Thank goodness I packed heavy back then.  A weekend bag consisted of enough clothing for a week.  As it turned out I need every article of clothing to sustain me for quite awhile.  Talk about mixing and matching to create new looks with the same articles for several weeks.  Yes, I was a "Fashion Don" who could create a look out of nothing.  The Ru Paul fashion challenges would have been nothing for me during that time.

Periodically I would check Facebook for Sharon with no luck until now.  Yes, I stalked her page as an anonymous voyeur reviewing posts and pictures to get an idea as to what she has been up to all these years.  I found a picture of a young lady that looks like me or at least I can see some of my family attributes.  Could it be?
  

I've always had this inner feeling that there may be a chance that I had a child out in the world somewhere.  The question is..."who is the baby daddy?"  Is this young lady her niece all grown up?  Questions that need answers but how am I to obtain them.  I haven't spoken to her since our break up in 1987.  Would she accept a friend request?  How will I ask about the picture without tipping her off that I think the child is mine?  Unfortunately, we lost a baby in the first trimester and I remember the riff between us then.  We were already having difficulties in our relationship and expecting a baby just complicated things even further.  Especially, when I said I would marry her for the baby.  NOT the right thing to say I later learned.  Sharon new she would have a custody battle with me as well since I indicated that if we didn't get married I would want custody.

Well, I asked the question and the answer:  "She's my daughter-in-law that I met two years ago."  Take it as it is.  Daughter-in-law or Daughter.  There is some resemblance to my family.  She looks like my sister when she was younger.  The truth may never be known.

Street Walker

Taking in the sights of Peachtree in search of a key ring for my niece, JeNae, as per her request.  It's funny that when I travel the last thing I think about is souvenirs.  I have no collectables of the places I've been and very few photos. The events are stored in my memory.  I'm not the typical traveler, meaning I don't do the sight seeing tours or hit the historic locals of a city.  I tend to blend in with the locals and find the local hangouts imagining that I actually live in the place I'm visiting.

I hit the streets in search of the key ring and to check out the karaoke place I drove by the other night.  I was exhausted on Sunday, October 13th since I didn't get in until 7:00 am from the night before.  Let's just say I had a fabulous time with the locals and I will not share the details.   They must stay here and in my memory.  My street walking took me to the Peachtree Center a mall of all places.  I passed Gladys Knights on the way, a place that serves chicken and waffles and even though I was excited to see the sign I didn't have a appetite to stop and eat.  The sign on the door "no weapons allowed" wasn't inviting.  I think that's when I lost my appetite.  I love chicken waffles but not enough to risk the possibility of getting shot.

Picked up two key rings. I have two nieces and I can't bring back one key ring.  They are the same to prevent arguing.  A trick I learned from Joyce, my mother, God bless her spirit.