This post has been in draft mode for six months. I've begun it here and in my electronic journal, not quite knowing where to begin since it is the next chapter in my book. I've decided to just write and whatever it turns out to be, will be pasted into my the pages of my book in progress.
The most beautiful girl I had ever seen walked into class at St. Anne's. "Class, this is Mildred Jackson. Say hello." the Nun said. In unison the fourth grade class said "hello Mildred". My first female crush. I've crushed before in the second grade, but it was a boy crush. Anthony and I sat next to each other in the old fashioned two seater desks where the tops raised up to store books and supplies in the belly of the desk. For some reason I was attracted to Anthony. He was a larger frame than I was for seconded grader. He actually had muscles and machismo that got me excited. Anthony would walk me half way home and carry my books. He even kissed me once. At times, in class he would grab my hand and place it on his muscular thigh. I think he knew I was a boy even though it was sometimes difficult for people to tell. As a little boy I had very feminine features. Crushing on Anthony was natural to me. I liked him a lot and he looked out for me. He was my protector. I was saddened when he did not return to St. Anne's in the third grade.
I never crushed on the girls in grade school until Mildred appeared. Don't get me wrong, I liked girls as play mates. I jumped a mean rope and they could not beat me in jacks but when they tried to sneak a kiss on my cheek I would run away, yuk. I played with the girls because it was safe and I didn't get all flustered as I did with boys. Little boys like rough and tough contact play which for some reason, thanks Nathaniel, would get me excited. It was better that I stayed away from them. Besides, I didn't like getting hurt, scraping my knees, sweating out my uniform, and looking disheveled after recess. Sitting in class the rest of the day smelling musty was not my cup of tea. I think we already established that I was a little prissy as a kid. Mildred, I can't say her name enough, just impressed me so much. I was drawn to this beautiful girl. For the first time I was excited by a girl and I didn't know what to do. I had never been in this position before. Anthony new what to do when he obviously was drawn to me. I didn't have to do anything but accept the penny candy, allow him to carry my books, walk me home, and let him kiss me in the empty truck near the slaughter house. What to do, what to do? I must admit I was a smart kid and I realized that I should do what Anthony did; buy her penny candy, carry her books, and walk her home. I wasn't bold enough to try and kiss her.
Conquering my fears, I would walk Mildred all the way home to her door step passing the block I would normally turn down to my house and entering a neighborhood I knew nothing about other than that it was rough. Most of the time we would walk in silence. I would just bask in the moment of being with her not knowing what to say or do. I wanted to hold her hand but was to scared to reach for it. I was a silly little boy, hopelessly in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. This behavior went on for most of the second half of the school year until tragedy came crashing down and I lost my Mildred.
(To be continued...)
Finally, we were able to speak to each other last night. After several missed calls, text messages, and voice mails we spent twenty minutes on the phone professing how much we missed each other and inquiring about work and life's happenstances. I hadn't seen The Prince of Wales since December 19, 2010 when he surprised me with a visit. Two weeks prior to the visit, we discovered that over the past two years we secretly admired each other. Though we never spent a lot of time together during those two years other than coincidental meetings in common watering holes where we would connect and reconnect. I always felt good, somewhat euphoric, after seeing Wales and spending a few moments with him. It's amazing how much you can learn about a person when you utilize those brief chance encounters to get to know them by cutting through the window dressing and discovering the substance. When I discovered he was a single dad through adoption, he won me over. he didn't know two years ago that I was in total admiration of him. I knew then that he was a good man. A better man than myself for I would never consider becoming a single dad. My response to inquiries as to why I do not have any children is one; I'm not married and two; I'm selfish. Hey, I'm being honest here. My narrow view on children and family caused me to become blind to the fact that I could adopt and become a father without any baby mama drama. I was on the baby mama drama train and it got derailed twenty two years ago and the desire for the traditional sense of marriage and children dissipated. My resolve was to be single and childless.
Here I am now, twenty two years later fantasizing, by inserting myself into the family photo of The Prince of Wales and the four Dukes. Adding one more ring of commitment to the Prince's finger to solidify the bond between us. Anxiously awaiting the first meeting with the Dukes and wondering if they will like me as much as their father does. Will they be receptive of a step father? Hey King Edward, slow your roll man! I put on a good front when the Prince went down that road and I pulled the reigns; "we have to take things slowly", I said. Wales agreed and pulled it back. In our minds, I think the both of us were already standing in our tuxedos surrounded by the Dukes, family and friends sitting behind us witnessing our ceremony of commitment and depending upon which state we were in (New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, and Vermont, and Washington, DC), our marriage which would be recognized in New York. Wow! I can't believe I just wrote this or that this long dormant thought of marriage has been rekindled and reverberates within my heart. Shall I dust of my wedding binder and begin cutting out photos from wedding magazines? I haven't seen the horse drawn carriage in years. I digress; I'm truly getting carried away right now.
Availability isn't an issue with Wales unlike the others I fell for over the past ten years. He is in a committed relationship with his sons and there is room in his heart for me as well and that's a beautiful thing.
It has been a year to the day since I held your hand as you slipped away to that glorious kingdom. I thought I would have joined you by now but it is not in his plan though I did have a close call. Mom, this has been a very lonely year without you. The next generation of the Eve’s have been keeping me busy with karaoke every other week and inviting me to birthday parties and holiday dinners. I’ve been keeping myself busy and thinking of you every day. When the day is over I come home to the apartment we shared. I miss you sitting in the love seat watching television outside of my room with the volume so loud that I had to where head phones to hear the program I was watching. My best friend is gone and I have become somewhat reclusive. On the weekends that I do not karaoke, I stay in the house. Sometimes I stay in the bed the entire weekend. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I finally understand what you were going through when the anniversary of your mother’s death approached. I’ve been sad for the past few weeks just dreading this day.
Last night I dreamt about you and woke up at 2:30 am which is the time that I witnessed your death. The nurse didn’t arrive until 2:50 am. It was just you and me for twenty minutes. All I could do was sit at the side of your bed and hold your hand. Mom, did you know I was there? As your spirit floated away did you see me? I was strong but you knew I would be. I think the nurse was shocked at how calm and organized I was. The girls did come up to see you before the nurse came. You would have been proud of Jacqui. Teary eyed, she handled her daughters grief and left me to manage the business at hand. The both of us stepped into our roles as you requested. She called everyone in your address book as the sun came up and I contacted the church and Aunt Betty. By the end of the day everything was arranged and in place. Your Pastor couldn’t believe it when I met with him that afternoon. I’m sorry to say that I’ve only been back to your church once in the past year and that is when the Ushers were honoring you and requested that I come. Mom, don’t be disappointed that I haven’t been to church. I know you wanted me to find a church home but you know my feelings about the organized edifices in this area. You and GOD know my heart.
Well, I just wanted to let you know that we are ok. We miss you and Jacqui tries to keep up with the traditions; Thanks Giving dinner, Christmas dinner and even a New Year’s dinner. We both had today off. She scheduled hers and I was thankful for the snow storm. I don’t think I would have done well at work today. JeNae’s postings on Facebook always end with “RIP Grandma”. She’s been doing that all year. I guess that is her way of dealing with missing you and publically grieving. I have a picture of you as my wallpaper on my computer at work. JeLoni has a scrapbook and Jacqui has the traditions. We are all managing in our own way.
Tell everyone that you have reconnected with there that I said hello and I can’t wait to see them again. I hope Mary Jane has found you. She left us in October 2010. Did Wayne bring the tape of me singing at the workshop? His sister found it and took my address to send it to me but it hasn’t arrived yet. I know you are watching over us and if you get a chance, stop by and visit some time. Don’t worry, you won’t freak me out. OK, that was cute; clanging the radiator. Are you testing me? Yeah, I jumped a little. :)
Love you Mom!
Until we meet again,
Eddie
