What to wear to work wasn't a big production. No product in my hair. I barely moisturized. I was conscious of the scuff marks on my shoes and managed to polish them. Black was the color theme to match the dark mood. Arriving at the office I managed to say good morning to those I encountered before entering my office and closing the door. I didn't turn on the lights today wanted to work in the dimness. Screaming in my mind, "I'm here, you see me and now I'm going home". Just didn't want to be at work or anywhere today. I'd rather hide under my covers and let the day pass me by.
Thoughts of mortality race through my mind. How long, Lord. How long do I havt to stay here without her? Waht am I supposed to do now? "Life is to short and it's time to live it". What a joke. Living it without sharing it with somone special is a lonely existence. No one to come home to and say hey guess what happened today. I've retreated back to existing in my room. The redecorating to occupy my time has gotton old and I could really careless if I have new window shades and curtains.
Sometimes, I just want to jump into Soña and just drive. No destination or direction. Where ever I end up is where I’ll be. I don’t want to go and visit anyone. I just want to go. My life right now is just a series of distractions. People, places and things to keep me occupied. To keep my mind busy processing nonsense to keep the darkness away but I’m overwhelmed today and can not process anymore. Maybe Dr. Liporace will have some good news tomorrow; like my T-cells have dropped and Viral load is sky high and it’s just a matter of time before hospice has to be called in. Wishful thinking, it’s been twenty years with this disease and friends have died all around me, yet I’m still here. Even when I wasn’t taking my medication my levels never reached the point of no return. Still non-detectable and healthy despite my moments of self-destructive behavior; drinking binges, skipping days of medication, lack of rest, over working, and just pushing myself to the limit of total exhaustion. I’m still here. Why?
OK, enough self loathing. I’m entitled to a moment. Today just happens to be a long one. Do I need professional help? That’s a joke. When I’ve sought the help of a professional before, it turned out that they would recommend that I become a counselor. I guess I have it together more than I think. The question is how long can I hold it together.
Listening to country music on Pandora and the chorus from Trace Adkins, “You’re Gonna Miss This” hit home:
You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days
Hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this.
I do, I miss this. I miss Joyce. I miss the warm smile. I miss my Alpha Mom. I miss her presence, patience, and kindness. I miss my mother, teacher, and best friend. I just knew that I would go before her but that wasn’t written. So I’m left here to carry on and be the man she raised me to be for I am her legacy.
3 comments:
POWERFUL to say the least.
I can not stop thinking about your post (Emotional Day.)You are such a positive person. Always giving God the Glory.
I suppose that when people express their pain,fears and real feelings it makes us a bit uncomfortable.
I felt your saddness and I heard your uncertainty.
Why are you still here? It's time to live and share your escapades and life lessons...
God says he won't give us more than we can handle. You have certainly had your share and then some.You must allow yourself time to grieve
What I've learned from you is that it's okay to be honest even when it is uncomfortable. It is also okay to get tired but I have to be the woman that my mother raised me and God created me to be.
Luv ya
You are entitled to have your moment or moments. That's what makes you human. Have your moments but never forget that you are NOT alone & that you are LOVED. I know that it is easier said than done because I live these "moments" on a daily basis so I get it. But since you are strong I know you will get by. But in those time you don't think you can come & take my hand. Nothing has to be said, just come take my hand. Aunt Joyce brought us closer---I KNOW she did! You have your space for now but you will NEVER have your space...not from your twin anyway. I LOVE YOU.
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